Since The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom dropped on May 12, fans have been obsessed with the game’s new creation abilities. Thanks to Link’s new skills, particularly Fuse and Ultrahand, players are building absurdities like planes and tanks to commit war crimes in Hyrule Kingdom. But there’s one object folks can’t stop creating: cocks, dicks, shlongs, penises, wangs—you get it.
The Week In Games: Return To Hyrule
May 8, 2023
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Critics have called the Breath of the Wild sequel a certified classic, one that makes great use of the Switch’s aging hardware. And with Link’s many new rune abilities that let him combine objects together or rewind an object’s place in the world, folks are letting their imaginations run wild. Like, truly wild.
Hyrule Kingdom can’t escape the dicks
Link gets a whole new suite of rune abilities in TotK that replaces his old BotW ones. So, say goodbye to stuff like Magnesis and Stasis and, instead, say hello to things such as Ascend and Autobuild—two skills that allow Link to slip through solid surfaces and instantly construct previous creations, respectively. Mixed in are Fuse and Ultrahand, abilities that grant Link the power to combine objects together to make anything from giant mechs to pick-up trucks. And while folks are totally building these things, many players are out here just flooding Hyrule Kingdom with dicks. So many dicks, actually.
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You’ve got flamethrowing dicks, thick dicks, cars that look like dicks, dick rockets, dicks with boulders for balls—the list goes on and on and on. Hell, Twitter user HKSIcabb even made our Hero of the Wild ride a dick…raft.
Meanwhile, hideyopo crafted some mecha monster on wheels that was watering a patch of Hyrulean grass with its, um, water-sprinkling dick.
What’s going on? Why is it that, just a few days after launch, TotK fans are stuck on dicks? There are a few interesting theories, like a Freudian fear of castration or the notion that everything is a dick-measuring contest. Glamour wrote in 2017 that dick drawings are actually about toxic masculinity—which isn’t all that surprising. Even Kotaku pondered this question in a 2013 blog, speaking to developers and psychologists to answer why dicks are everywhere in games. And while we came to the conclusion that drawing a dick is “pushing boundaries,” there’s another, simpler answer here: dicks are funny.
They’re (mostly) hairy and (sometimes) curved. They come in all different shapes and sizes and, more often than not, function as if they have a mind of their own. They’re weird, serving both comedy and sexuality at the same time. And as Maxim wrote in 2015, dicks are funny because “in spite of what they signify, there is no real place for them in the world, and yet there they are.”
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That’s facts. Because no matter where you look online, from TikTok to Reddit to Twitter, there’s a TotK dick. They’re almost inescapable now. At least Autobuild, Fuse, Ultrahand, and Link’s other abilities can be used for something other than genitalia—though players are using them for torture. I guess our queer-coded Hero of the Wild is actually the War Criminal of the Wild. Whoops.
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